Written by: Manjula Shaw, CFP®, CDFA®
“Tips from the Trenches” is a series of articles based on conversations with professionals who work with individuals facing or considering the prospect of divorce. Watch this space for conversations with professionals in family and collaborative law, such as forensic-certified public accountants, mediators, marriage counselors, family court judges, and valuation specialists.
Manjula Shaw is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP®) and an Asst. Vice President at Tanglewood Legacy Advisors. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®), Manjula specializes in helping individuals navigate the financial complexities of late-stage divorce, including asset division, alimony, and child support. She is trained by Collaborative Divorce Texas as an independent, neutral financial expert committed to helping divorcing couples and families navigate competing and shared needs and develop solutions that best fit the parties and their children without court intervention.
Manjula’s conversation is with Dr. Honey Sheff PhD, PC, a licensed clinical psychologist, who has been in private practice since 1983. She is also a master credentialed Collaborative Divorce professional. Dr. Sheff provides therapy to families impacted by divorce, dispute resolution services in collaborative divorce, and co-parenting services designed to keep families out of courtrooms. She also provides couples counseling services for those who want to improve their relationship and avoid divorce outcomes altogether.
Do you Need a Mental Health Professional (MHP) in a Collaborative Divorce?
After you and your spouse decide to pursue a Collaborative Divorce, the next step is to assemble a team. My article in January walked you through the steps of the process and how each professional contributes to the framework. As explained, a Mental Health Professional plays a key role in helping the couple and the professionals navigate the emotional and psychological aspects of the process.
A common question that divorcing couples ask is, “Do we need to retain a Mental Health Professional?” Honey’s decades of experience and knowledge of the key responsibilities of an MHP can help answer this question.
Providing Emotional Support
Divorce negotiations can be emotionally challenging. An MHP can step in during both joint and individual meetings to help each party cope with stress, grief, and the emotional difficulties that often accompany divorce. It’s essential to remember that an MHP does not act as a mental health therapist in this context.
Facilitating Communication
Discussions can become heated during joint meetings. An MHP is trained to intervene, reduce tension, and redirect conversations. Sometimes, they may call for a break to address behaviors one-on-one. Improving communication can help reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, potentially leading to quicker negotiations and a more efficient outcome.
Supporting Conflict Resolution
Honey notes that an MHP can provide strategies and interventions for constructively resolving conflicts, especially in high-stress situations involving issues like alcohol abuse or infidelity.
Assessing Family Dynamics
An MHP evaluates how divorce impacts family relationships, particularly when children are involved, and advises on the best ways to support them. According to Honey, the Collaborative process empowers parents to make their own choices, even if they disagree with each other’s decisions. The decision-making is in the hands of the adults/parents and the goal is for them to make the most informed decisions that they can. In contrast to going to court and allowing a judge or a jury to make the decisions for them. “I educate them and provide the information so they can make informed decisions, but ultimately, the beauty of Collaborative is that it is their choice.”
Enhancing Decision-Making
When both individuals understand their emotional states, they are more likely to make sustainable and mutually beneficial decisions. Honey emphasizes that divorce can lead to a feeling of loss of control over children, particularly for mothers, who are often the primary caregivers. “One of the most under-reported experiences in divorce, especially for women, is not being prepared for the loss of control over their children.”
Contributing to Parenting Plans
In cases involving children, MHPs offer insights and suggestions to create practical co-parenting arrangements prioritizing children’s well-being. For example, when parents have differing parenting styles, the MHP can help bridge these differences.
If a father allows the kids to eat meals in front of the TV while the mother insists they sit at the dining table, she can maintain her boundary while supporting the father’s rules during his time with the children. According to Honey, it’s crucial to establish a standard set of rules that apply to both homes, such as dietary agreements, chores, and bedtimes. In a recent case, a father requested that the children avoid eating meat even when they were with their mother. Honey facilitated a discussion where the couple agreed that the mother could serve fish and poultry while abstaining from serving red meat when the children were in her care.
Honey teaches parents that while divorce results in two separate homes, they should not be focused on each other’s decisions. She advises “not to look over the fence.” She encourages discussions to identify a common set of rules that both homes can follow. “They agree on this at the outset, spelled out in the divorce decree. The rules bind them and provide consistency for the kids.”
Honey believes that involving an MHP in a Collaborative Divorce can help couples create lasting agreements and parenting plans. “Out of hundreds of cases, I can count on one hand the number of couples who returned to me due to a conflict or problem.” When they return, it’s primarily because of an issue that arose after the divorce. Honey finds great satisfaction when couples reach out to her years later, like the father who recently wrote, “We are still doing the weekly dinners that you had us put in the parenting plan.”
Ultimately, engaging an MHP in a Collaborative Divorce could lessen the time spent during negotiations, potentially reducing costs, and, if executed correctly, resulting in a divorce decree and a parenting plan that keeps the couple out of the courts.
Contact Manjula Shaw at mshaw@family-cfo.com if you have any questions.
Manjula’s blog on all topics divorce is Blog – Family CFO
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